Fucked Up

Fuck. Fuck. I’m so fucking angry with myself. I lapsed, just once, and I’m really struggling with how much that has totally fucked everything up. My head, my life, my relationship, all the hard work I have done recently. All for one fucking opiate induced hour or so peace from what my head was throwing at me. Where the fuck did that come from?

I feel so much shame, regret, so much pain in my head and my heart.

I don’t know how to come back from this. I can’t do this anymore.

Never fucking again. Never.

I am literally living one second at a time.

I need help…

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5 thoughts on “Fucked Up

  1. Everyone fucks up. Lapsing is a part of the recovery process. The best thing you can do is forgive yourself. Use your words to soothe yourself, wrap your arms around your body and give yourself a hug. The lapse was temporary, remind yourself of how well you have been doing these last few weeks. Turn your focus away from the lapse and nurture yourself with words of praise and encouragement for the progress you have made so far. One little lapse does not undo all your hard work, it’s just a bump in the road. There’s no such thing as a perfect recovery or a perfect person. Give yourself some credit for making it this far. You can do this, you are not alone. Love, light and best wishes. 🌻

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    • Thank you, your words really speak to my heart. I need that reminder. It was/is hard to give myself any compassion at the moment, though I’m starting to look at the bigger picture rather than focus on how much I have fucked up. At the moment I am just scared of it happening again. Thank you x

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  2. I’m glad you found some comfort in my words and I hope you are feeling stronger today. Loving yourself really is the best prevention of further relapses.
    I wanted to let you know that your posts on your experiences with Qigong inspired me to search YouTube for a basic routine to follow. I found a wonderful video by Rosemary Biraghi called Qi Gong for Anxiety, Trauma Release and Recovery. I’ve been practising it for the last few days and I’m finding it very helpful. Thank you. 🌻

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    • Wow, I’m so glad qigong is helping you! Sometimes it feels like it is the ONLY thing that is getting me through this, it truly is. And it’s hard at the moment. Qigong is giving me a sense of being grounded and connected. I feel like there is something out there other than these intense cravings and the voice of addiction that is sometimes so loud, so convincing. May I recommend a book called The Way of Energy: Mastering the Chinese Art of Internal Strength with Chi Kung by Lam Kam Chuen. It’s a really old book but excellent as an introduction to qigong. I wish you all the best with your practice and recovery, your words and encouragement have been a light in the darkness to me. Thank you xx

      Liked by 1 person

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