I am currently losing a battle with a tiny spider who is insistent on weaving its web across my computer screen! And earlier I picked up a spider with my bare hands (not a massive one, but still a real feat for me). At East Down, I picked up another spider bare-handed to take it out of the group room and along with several other spider encounters (several on that weekend), I reflect on the message spider is sending me.
I spoke to Nick at the weekend about it, and he reminded me it’s about what it means to me. For me spiders symbolise fear, usually absolute phobic terror, that freezes me. There is a hierarchy of spider-terror for me, with tiny money spiders not worrying me, to the wolf spider being the absolute worst, heart-stopping, fear-inducing spider I could imagine (though I do live in the UK, so I imagine there are ones in other countries that are much worse!) Oddly, I am less fearful of spiders when they get to tarantula size.
Why on earth am I writing about spiders!? Spider has a message for me. That message, I believe, is about me facing my fears. Each time I have picked a spider up recently, I have felt brave, I have felt the stirrings of the warrior deep inside me (though I am a long way off picking up a wolf spider bare handed!!)
I found this website about spider medicine… So much of what it says is so incredibly apt for my life right now, particularly…
“Spider is strength and gentleness combined, they awaken creative sensibilities, they are the keepers of the primordial alphabet and can teach you how to write creatively.”
Wow! Strength and gentleness are the two words which resonate with me most at the moment. Strength (and ‘strong’) has become a mantra for me over the last few months. I say it to myself frequently. And gentle is something my tutor John called me many years ago, something which surprised me, but has stayed with me since. And something which has helped me through so many difficult, traumatic and abusive times throughout my life.
And the bit about writing creatively… I have been inspired by so much recently to write poetry. And yesterday someone sent me some poems that were so moving, so real, touched my heart so deeply. I feel an even deeper urge to write! And… well, I am here writing too!