Stripped Bare

I stand, face to face with myself.
Looking at the wrinkles, the lines,
And the fat bits, the saggy bits.
And the tears.

I can’t hide anymore, I am out in the open.
Vulnerable, exposed, naked,
Standing in the cold rain.
Alone with my fears.

I am stripped bare, no more running,
Facing the wolves alone,
No one to protect me.
I must fight.

What now? There’s no going back,
Its happening so fast,
I have to trust, to believe.
This. Is. Right.

Change, Awareness, Gratitude

Since starting qigong, I am experiencing so much change within, and without. I am aware of it constantly.

Energy flows, aches, pains, awarenesses of parts of the body that I didn’t have an awareness of before! Other pains, which had been there for years, gone, dissolved, like they had never existed.

Change in my posture, in my weight, in how I breathe, in how I use my energy. Wanting to stand more rather than sit, wanting to move, to walk to run, to dance.

Change in appetite, in how much water I am drinking, in no longer drinking alcohol, change in what I want to put into my body, great eliminations.

Changes in how I relate to clients, to others, to loved ones, to strangers, in how I relate to myself.

Awareness of so much in the past, and how I related to it, how this has changed. Awareness of abuses, misuses, of numbing it all out, of addictions.

Awareness, and trust in the strong, deep cleansing process that is happening now.

Awareness, love and deep gratitude, to my teachers. To my openness to learn. For my life, my spirit, for what is me.

The Healing Trees

Shadows of ancient wounds, emerging, revealing,
Releasing through my weary body.
Wave after wave, like a powerful dragon,
Ripping through my soul to escape his prison.

I surrender to it, letting go, retreating,
Becoming the pain which consumes me.
The fire inside, burning, relentless,
Tearing at my skin until it is prisoner no more

Then, I look up, and watch, remembering,
Words spoken from the heart.
I see the sentinels standing, strong, knowing,
Their energy, powerful, flowing, infinite.

As they sway, gentle, peaceful,
Connected to mother earth, to father sky.
Their secrets and teaching filling my soul,
The lesson of the pain, clearer to me now.

I remember to trust, this pain, this experience,
This teaching that I am receiving now.
Is just part of my journey, emerging energy,
Leading me into the light where I can dance.

Somatic Ecstasy

Last night, and this morning during qigong practice, I felt deep tremors in my legs and my arms, radiating throughout my body. Such a wonderful energy! Afterwards as I lay there I felt intense ecstasy and a warmth inside, pure love.

Today, I have felt several strong waves of intense energy manifesting in my body. Waves of somatic release, surging through me like electric shocks. Initially, with those waves came fear, I tried to fight against the waves.

Then came acceptance. I rode the waves, with an exhilaration like never before. It was somatic ecstasy.

Everything became been so clear, so transparent. I was almost overwhelmed by the experience bombarded upon my senses. I have stayed, as far as possible, with perception, with just being, rather than interpretation and explanation of everything that is happening to me.

The connection I have felt to myself, to others, to the earth is profound.

Today I have just Known.

I am amazed that this is continuing to happen to me. Four weeks after The Experience, I am still processing, still experiencing, still changing.

I am grateful.

Hiding in the Shadows; Dancing in the Light

“As I dare to enter the darkness and shadows of my own fear,

only then can I can truly experience the healing and understanding that I seek;

And from this darkness, eventually, the new day dawns,

and I am able to at last dance freely in the emerging light.”

Today, this made a lot of sense to me. Even though I wrote it several years ago, I didn’t realise the relevance of it until now. The darkness and shadows that I have hidden in for so many years, because it felt so safe there, are just a part of who I am. I was hiding there from monsters, still chasing me from the past; demons who gripped me, sucking the life from me, who would not let me go. Those monsters and demons are still there, but now I become the warrior who can stand up to them, who can protect the little me from suffocating under the weight of their power.

Now, I birth the warrior woman inside. Strong, gentle, feminine, The monsters and demons, always part of me, dissolve into the shadows, whilst I start to dance in the emerging light.

Now, I begin to dance. I begin to dance by standing still like a tree. I begin to sing by singing my truth. I begin to live, I am.

The Lesson of Stillness (is Sometimes Hard)

Stillness is sometimes hard. Today this is what I have found. I know I find peace and attunement in the stillness. In the space in between breaths, in the shadows. And today it has eluded me somewhat. There is a lesson there too, but I cannot see it or hear it yet.

I have been with the bees today, but have also not ‘been’ with them, just ‘doing’ with them. Chores and necessities which have taken me away from the stillness.

 

I have also felt disconnected today. I wonder if some of the disconnectedness comes from what I have put into my body today? After my qigong this morning I felt amazing. I have also drank a lot of water all day too (it’s been hot!). However, I ate a lot of bread, hardly any fruit or veg. And, most disappointingly (with myself) I had a few sips of alcohol at a bbq I was at this afternoon. It was literally about four or five sips (of homemade mead). I had decided not to drink any alcohol at the moment, even with J drinking most nights I haven’t had any desire to have an alcoholic drink, so I was a bit upset with myself for having some today. I’ve not had any since, and it feels really empowering, really strong not to.

Of this, I am accepting.

All is as it is meant to be.