The Healing Trees

Shadows of ancient wounds, emerging, revealing,
Releasing through my weary body.
Wave after wave, like a powerful dragon,
Ripping through my soul to escape his prison.

I surrender to it, letting go, retreating,
Becoming the pain which consumes me.
The fire inside, burning, relentless,
Tearing at my skin until it is prisoner no more

Then, I look up, and watch, remembering,
Words spoken from the heart.
I see the sentinels standing, strong, knowing,
Their energy, powerful, flowing, infinite.

As they sway, gentle, peaceful,
Connected to mother earth, to father sky.
Their secrets and teaching filling my soul,
The lesson of the pain, clearer to me now.

I remember to trust, this pain, this experience,
This teaching that I am receiving now.
Is just part of my journey, emerging energy,
Leading me into the light where I can dance.

Somatic Ecstasy

Last night, and this morning during qigong practice, I felt deep tremors in my legs and my arms, radiating throughout my body. Such a wonderful energy! Afterwards as I lay there I felt intense ecstasy and a warmth inside, pure love.

Today, I have felt several strong waves of intense energy manifesting in my body. Waves of somatic release, surging through me like electric shocks. Initially, with those waves came fear, I tried to fight against the waves.

Then came acceptance. I rode the waves, with an exhilaration like never before. It was somatic ecstasy.

Everything became been so clear, so transparent. I was almost overwhelmed by the experience bombarded upon my senses. I have stayed, as far as possible, with perception, with just being, rather than interpretation and explanation of everything that is happening to me.

The connection I have felt to myself, to others, to the earth is profound.

Today I have just Known.

I am amazed that this is continuing to happen to me. Four weeks after The Experience, I am still processing, still experiencing, still changing.

I am grateful.

Missed Connection

Deep heart-felt connection,
I see it in your eyes;
I feel it in my heart.
Slipping easily into a soul-felt union.

Wanting to reach out to you,
To touch you,
To hold you.
Held back by the cold hand of circumstance.

Drawing back into steel boundaries,
Out of the light,
Away from my heart.
Keeping things as they ‘should be’.

You rocked into my world,
With your darkened skies;
And broken heart.
Jolting my heart with your electric lyrics.

And now, we go back to our lives,
Silent once again,
Only whispers of the heart.
Until the next time we meet.

Hiding in the Shadows; Dancing in the Light

“As I dare to enter the darkness and shadows of my own fear,

only then can I can truly experience the healing and understanding that I seek;

And from this darkness, eventually, the new day dawns,

and I am able to at last dance freely in the emerging light.”

Today, this made a lot of sense to me. Even though I wrote it several years ago, I didn’t realise the relevance of it until now. The darkness and shadows that I have hidden in for so many years, because it felt so safe there, are just a part of who I am. I was hiding there from monsters, still chasing me from the past; demons who gripped me, sucking the life from me, who would not let me go. Those monsters and demons are still there, but now I become the warrior who can stand up to them, who can protect the little me from suffocating under the weight of their power.

Now, I birth the warrior woman inside. Strong, gentle, feminine, The monsters and demons, always part of me, dissolve into the shadows, whilst I start to dance in the emerging light.

Now, I begin to dance. I begin to dance by standing still like a tree. I begin to sing by singing my truth. I begin to live, I am.

The Teacher

“Be watchful around you… as with all of us, when the Student is ready, a Teacher appears!”

I am truly in awe of everything that I am learning. From the stillness, from the space in between breaths, from within me and from without.

I am even more astounded how much of a beginner I am on this journey, how I will always be a beginner, a learner, a student of this life that I am so grateful for.

The above sentence was spoken to me this week by… well a teacher. Someone whose words have resonated deep within my heart, singing in tune with my spirit and knowing of my journey. But I didn’t see that. I saw a man who cared and was being kind to me, but I missed (until now) how much he has taught me in the very short time I have known him. Today something has clicked, the penny dropped. Even if I never see him, speak to him, or read his wise words again (and I will deeply grieve if that happens), I am honoured to have had him touch my life and know that he has been witness to this massive change that is taking place within me, and that his energy and healing is part of the catalyst for this change.

Thank you, teacher, friend. From my heart, from my soul.

Energy Emerging, Pain Fading

I noticed this morning when I was practicing qigong, an energy in the palms of my hands, and deep inside my body. I noticed how as I moved, the energy moved. I was acutely aware of it. I am just at the very beginning of this journey, and it feels so right. Why didn’t I do this years ago?!

It reminds me of the energy that I used to feel as a child when I used to heal people. I would feel a burning energy in my hands and place my hands on my mum’s head and neck and release her from headaches, and her ankle when she hurt it. I remember doing the same with my dad, my grandmother, and with a friend. But I stopped. In my teens and early adult life I was ridiculed for being able to heal, and instead of standing up for myself, I believed them. Welcome back energy!

I wonder if this is why I had a really bad tummy for most of today and a headache? I’ve been drinking so much water and no caffeine, alcohol, only good foods. Emotions are rising, and ebbing like tides, and I ride them out, like a surfer riding the waves.

I feel pulls and urges… to write poetry; draw; clear out loads of shit from my house that I have held on to for years; to dance (oh how I want to dance!!); to be with people and to be alone (mostly alone); to get involved in some kind of protest group or political movement… I could go on. And I know I must be gentle with myself. All of this can wait! I know so deeply that what I need more than any of this, is time, space and to be gentle with myself (except the dancing, that I am doing now!!) I need to heal and truly love myself for the very first time.