One Breath

Today, I feel searing pain,
Not in my bones anymore,
But in my soul.
I’m alone, scared.

Reaching into the darkness,
Hoping for contact,
Understanding,
Something.

Feeling my way through the fog,
Blindly stumbling,
From one false hope,
To the next.

I crave, so badly;
Relief from this pain.
To be sleeping whilst awake,
Like before.

The voice in me concludes;
“Just another pill,
One more drink,
Will stop the hurt.”

I feel shock and shame,
Coursing through me,
Burning my soul;
From the inside

You asked “Are you ok?”
“Yes” (actually, no,
But I can’t say
How I really feel)

And then… I breathe,
I forget this so often.
I fill with pure air,
And I remember…

I have made it this far,
I can do this,
I am strong.
One breath at a time.

Who am I?

I am woman
I am mother
I am wife
I am daughter
I am friend
I am therapist
I am confidant
I am human
But who am I?

I am calm
I am intuitive
I am listener
I am mender
I am empathic
I am creative
I am trusted
I am strong
But who am I?

I am lost
I am alone
I am broken
I am addict
I am misunderstood
I am struggling
I am fragile
I am voiceless
But who am I?

I am creator of my world,
I am deep feminine,
I am intense dreamer,
I am profound writer,
I am passionate lover,
I am innocent beginner,
I am philosophical learner,
I am grateful survivor,
But who am I?

Who am I?

This is who I am.

Stripped Bare

I stand, face to face with myself.
Looking at the wrinkles, the lines,
And the fat bits, the saggy bits.
And the tears.

I can’t hide anymore, I am out in the open.
Vulnerable, exposed, naked,
Standing in the cold rain.
Alone with my fears.

I am stripped bare, no more running,
Facing the wolves alone,
No one to protect me.
I must fight.

What now? There’s no going back,
Its happening so fast,
I have to trust, to believe.
This. Is. Right.

Addiction and Me

Addiction. I found comfort in addiction. I could hide in addiction. I could live away from my head, pretend my body didn’t exist, live in a fantasy world of non-life, of non-reality that I had created for myself. This led me to a place where I could become comfortably-numb (yes, Pink Floyd reference).

Since I was 13, I found comfort and escape in nicotine, then alcohol, drugs, more drugs. Then prescription painkillers (that one snuck up on me), years of battling with denial, and my need for more and more. To feel less and less.

I slid comfortably from one addiction to another, and back again, tricking myself that I had overcome one addiction, moving to stronger and stronger drugs, numbing myself more and more.

It’s been coming for a long time, and it now feels that somehow, from somewhere, over this last month or so, through this massive period of catharsis and change, I have found some courage. I have found a voice in that darkness. I have found the strength to start to face those things that I hid from. I stopped taking my painkillers, stopped drinking, stopped denial. The physical and mental withdrawals are hard, though helped by qigong, connection, a change in lifestyle, a change in mind, body and spirit, through support.

Now, I stand and face what I was numbing myself from. The pain, abuse, bullying, fear, being alone, the darkness. That is fucking scary.

I also face my ego. I have to face myself. That is fucking hard.

Today, it hit me, that I am starting to face all of this, by myself, after a lifetime of numbing.

Today, is the first day in weeks where I have wanted to numb, wanted a drink, wanted a smoke, wanted painkillers.

Today I have not succumb. But I fucking hurt hard.

Lessons from the Psychedelic

Today, amongst massive headaches, purging stomach, tiredness, no appetite, I have felt like I’m in another realm.

Following on from a lot of processing yesterday and last night, lots of links being made and emotional release.

I have felt, at times today like I’m on the edge of a mushroom or LSD trip. Real flashback type stuff that I haven’t experienced for years. I felt it in my mind, and that familiar taste/texture I used to get in my mouth. I have felt right on the edge of extreme fear, gripping me, not letting me go, feeling like I’m about to tip into a ‘bad trip’.

I lay on the bed today feeling myself tipping into this place of fear, the familiar feeling of a ‘bad trip’ that I haven’t experienced for at least 15 years, that I have held inside me. Today, I made a connection, those trips were not bad at all, but lessons. They were my teachers, I was just not ready to receive their teachings. Today, I am making the connection, I am changing, I am ready.

I did my first LSD trip at 15, I was with a group of friends. I was scared, yet I felt so connected, so loved, everything was really clear and vivid. Then, I would trip whenever I could, LSD, mushrooms, micro-dots. I would do it in the company of friends, alone, at home, in nature. I remember once going to college with a friend after we had taken some acid, and a knowing lecturer laughing at us and telling us to go and enjoy our trip at home!

Then it changed from being frequent, recreational, to being more of an exploration, a quest for… something. Answers? Peace? Connection? I am not sure. I moved away from chemical trips to only mushrooms. I moved away from (mainly) doing it with friends, to choosing times where I could be alone, or with select people.

There were many trips where I made connections, had realisations, connected to other people, to nature, I remember once being on the beach under a full moon. I was with my then boyfriend and another friend and we all looked at the moon for hours, watching it spiralling and dancing in the sky. I remember time not existing that night. Waking up on the beach in the morning under a blanket, surrounded by holiday makers in swimming costumes etc! I remember walking through town on my own in the rain after taking mushrooms, needing to get away from the people I was with as I felt uncomfortable with them. I was scared, but I headed into the woods and found comfort amongst the trees. I sat there for hours getting wet, seeing things in the shadows as it went dark, later laying and watching the stars in the sky.

Then I remember the ‘bad trips’. Where I felt like I was dying. Where I needed to get out of wherever I was. Where I could hear other peoples thoughts. Where I could see things that were not there (or were they?) Where I knew things that I didn’t want to know. They were dark times. I would sometimes be fevery and sick. I used to feel like I was sliding down a steep hill, spiralling down into a darkness. It used to take all my energy to stop this, absolute fear that I was going to die. I would ‘wake up’ drained, often in a place that I hadn’t remembered going to.

Today I had the realisation, I made the connection, these were the lessons, I prevented myself from learning because I wasn’t ready. I am just now releasing from the fear that I was caught up in that prevented me from learning those lessons.

Somatic Ecstasy

Last night, and this morning during qigong practice, I felt deep tremors in my legs and my arms, radiating throughout my body. Such a wonderful energy! Afterwards as I lay there I felt intense ecstasy and a warmth inside, pure love.

Today, I have felt several strong waves of intense energy manifesting in my body. Waves of somatic release, surging through me like electric shocks. Initially, with those waves came fear, I tried to fight against the waves.

Then came acceptance. I rode the waves, with an exhilaration like never before. It was somatic ecstasy.

Everything became been so clear, so transparent. I was almost overwhelmed by the experience bombarded upon my senses. I have stayed, as far as possible, with perception, with just being, rather than interpretation and explanation of everything that is happening to me.

The connection I have felt to myself, to others, to the earth is profound.

Today I have just Known.

I am amazed that this is continuing to happen to me. Four weeks after The Experience, I am still processing, still experiencing, still changing.

I am grateful.