Today, amongst massive headaches, purging stomach, tiredness, no appetite, I have felt like I’m in another realm.
Following on from a lot of processing yesterday and last night, lots of links being made and emotional release.
I have felt, at times today like I’m on the edge of a mushroom or LSD trip. Real flashback type stuff that I haven’t experienced for years. I felt it in my mind, and that familiar taste/texture I used to get in my mouth. I have felt right on the edge of extreme fear, gripping me, not letting me go, feeling like I’m about to tip into a ‘bad trip’.
I lay on the bed today feeling myself tipping into this place of fear, the familiar feeling of a ‘bad trip’ that I haven’t experienced for at least 15 years, that I have held inside me. Today, I made a connection, those trips were not bad at all, but lessons. They were my teachers, I was just not ready to receive their teachings. Today, I am making the connection, I am changing, I am ready.
I did my first LSD trip at 15, I was with a group of friends. I was scared, yet I felt so connected, so loved, everything was really clear and vivid. Then, I would trip whenever I could, LSD, mushrooms, micro-dots. I would do it in the company of friends, alone, at home, in nature. I remember once going to college with a friend after we had taken some acid, and a knowing lecturer laughing at us and telling us to go and enjoy our trip at home!
Then it changed from being frequent, recreational, to being more of an exploration, a quest for… something. Answers? Peace? Connection? I am not sure. I moved away from chemical trips to only mushrooms. I moved away from (mainly) doing it with friends, to choosing times where I could be alone, or with select people.
There were many trips where I made connections, had realisations, connected to other people, to nature, I remember once being on the beach under a full moon. I was with my then boyfriend and another friend and we all looked at the moon for hours, watching it spiralling and dancing in the sky. I remember time not existing that night. Waking up on the beach in the morning under a blanket, surrounded by holiday makers in swimming costumes etc! I remember walking through town on my own in the rain after taking mushrooms, needing to get away from the people I was with as I felt uncomfortable with them. I was scared, but I headed into the woods and found comfort amongst the trees. I sat there for hours getting wet, seeing things in the shadows as it went dark, later laying and watching the stars in the sky.
Then I remember the ‘bad trips’. Where I felt like I was dying. Where I needed to get out of wherever I was. Where I could hear other peoples thoughts. Where I could see things that were not there (or were they?) Where I knew things that I didn’t want to know. They were dark times. I would sometimes be fevery and sick. I used to feel like I was sliding down a steep hill, spiralling down into a darkness. It used to take all my energy to stop this, absolute fear that I was going to die. I would ‘wake up’ drained, often in a place that I hadn’t remembered going to.
Today I had the realisation, I made the connection, these were the lessons, I prevented myself from learning because I wasn’t ready. I am just now releasing from the fear that I was caught up in that prevented me from learning those lessons.