Beautiful Bitch

Fucking evil stalker bitch,
Keeping me right where you want me.
Tracking every move I make,
Increasingly corrupting my soul.
Taunting, mocking, bullying.
Pulling my hair, scratching my skin.

Bitch.

I try to hide from you, to ignore, deny,
But you are cunning, you know how to play me.
Promising that you will depart;
If I let you in one last time.
Persuading, tempting, promising.
Creeping through my veins, hiding in my bones.

You take me, and use me as you desire,
Sullying the innocence I once possessed.
Staying for as long as you wish,
Keeping my dirty, tainted.
Polluting, tormenting, corrupting.
You rape my body, torture my mind.

Enticing me with your beauty,
Keeping me there with your erotic promises.
Fantasies of a harmonious mind,
Promises of ultimate, exquisite euphoria.
Touching, caressing, seducing.
Stroking my desires with promises of ecstasy.

I fight you for so long,
But succumb, eventually to your irresistible power.
Addiction; you beautiful bitch.

Too Much

Too much awareness,
Everything suddenly illuminated.
Like a 5000 watt bulb switched on.
Shining in my eyes;
Hurting my head;
Scratching at my wounds;
Leaving me rigid, frozen.
Stopping my breath.
Conversations replaying;
Over and over like a stuck record,
Did I say the right thing?
Share too much?

And I breathe,
Reclaiming my sense of now.
It’s going to be ok.
I’m going to be ok.

Understanding

I stand alone in this barren landscape,
The black, acid waters lapping at my feet.
How tempting is to immerse my broken self,
In the acrid sea of forever darkness.
My soul desperate, for connection,
To be held by true understanding.
I yearn for that pure, deep empathy,
That comes from one that truly knows.
When I stand in this place of deep despair,
The horizon I see brings no comfort.
I know I am strong, but I feel weak,
As my body (almost) succumbs to this living death.
I dream of that far away love, understanding;
And that one day, just maybe, you will hear.

One Breath

Today, I feel searing pain,
Not in my bones anymore,
But in my soul.
I’m alone, scared.

Reaching into the darkness,
Hoping for contact,
Understanding,
Something.

Feeling my way through the fog,
Blindly stumbling,
From one false hope,
To the next.

I crave, so badly;
Relief from this pain.
To be sleeping whilst awake,
Like before.

The voice in me concludes;
“Just another pill,
One more drink,
Will stop the hurt.”

I feel shock and shame,
Coursing through me,
Burning my soul;
From the inside

You asked “Are you ok?”
“Yes” (actually, no,
But I can’t say
How I really feel)

And then… I breathe,
I forget this so often.
I fill with pure air,
And I remember…

I have made it this far,
I can do this,
I am strong.
One breath at a time.

Who am I?

I am woman
I am mother
I am wife
I am daughter
I am friend
I am therapist
I am confidant
I am human
But who am I?

I am calm
I am intuitive
I am listener
I am mender
I am empathic
I am creative
I am trusted
I am strong
But who am I?

I am lost
I am alone
I am broken
I am addict
I am misunderstood
I am struggling
I am fragile
I am voiceless
But who am I?

I am creator of my world,
I am deep feminine,
I am intense dreamer,
I am profound writer,
I am passionate lover,
I am innocent beginner,
I am philosophical learner,
I am grateful survivor,
But who am I?

Who am I?

This is who I am.

Shame

We’re on first name terms, shame and I,
Like an old friend, comfortable in their presence.
I’ve tried many tricks to get away,
Running, avoiding, hiding.
Travelling so far,
Mainly down roads where numbing was the destination.

Sometimes, it tricks me, I believe I’m free,
Then, I feel it creeping across my skin.
Seeping through my pores,
Entering that comfortable place.
I feel it chilling my core, in my bones, in my heart,
Inviting itself to reside wherever it likes.

I try to befriend it “its ok, you belong here”
I shout at it… “Fuck off, cunt”
But shame just laughs in my face,
Taunting me with its tempting offerings.
I only know the old ways,
Taking risks, numbing, succumbing.

Stripped Bare

I stand, face to face with myself.
Looking at the wrinkles, the lines,
And the fat bits, the saggy bits.
And the tears.

I can’t hide anymore, I am out in the open.
Vulnerable, exposed, naked,
Standing in the cold rain.
Alone with my fears.

I am stripped bare, no more running,
Facing the wolves alone,
No one to protect me.
I must fight.

What now? There’s no going back,
Its happening so fast,
I have to trust, to believe.
This. Is. Right.