Wolf Medicine

Wolf has visited me.
Creeping silently between the trees.
Observing me, waiting.

Wolf has whispered to me.
Wolf-speak secrets and messages.
That I do not know.

Wolf has touched me.
I almost caressed his soft coat.
But not quite.

Wolf has summoned me.
Knowing that I am ready.
That it is time.

What is the medicine that the wolf brings me? He appears so often to me. I am ready for what he brings, though I am not sure what that is yet. When I see him, I am filled, bodily, with excitement, fear, knowing. And yet as soon as the thoughts come, I am left confused, un-knowing.

The Teacher

“Be watchful around you… as with all of us, when the Student is ready, a Teacher appears!”

I am truly in awe of everything that I am learning. From the stillness, from the space in between breaths, from within me and from without.

I am even more astounded how much of a beginner I am on this journey, how I will always be a beginner, a learner, a student of this life that I am so grateful for.

The above sentence was spoken to me this week by… well a teacher. Someone whose words have resonated deep within my heart, singing in tune with my spirit and knowing of my journey. But I didn’t see that. I saw a man who cared and was being kind to me, but I missed (until now) how much he has taught me in the very short time I have known him. Today something has clicked, the penny dropped. Even if I never see him, speak to him, or read his wise words again (and I will deeply grieve if that happens), I am honoured to have had him touch my life and know that he has been witness to this massive change that is taking place within me, and that his energy and healing is part of the catalyst for this change.

Thank you, teacher, friend. From my heart, from my soul.

Shamanic Dream

Warning: some sexually explicit content.

Last night I had a dream. It has held me all day and as I sit here in the early hours of another day, it is still with me energetically. It is part of this deep process.

I was in a tower block, in a flat high up. I was with a shaman woman. She was tall and powerful and as I looked at her I couldn’t quite see her. She was performing some kind of shamanic ritual with me, she was dancing and chanting and smudging. I was frightened but knew I needed to be there. Then the doorbell went (!) she was annoyed but said she had to go and answer it, she hid her rattle in my boot and apologised before leaving the flat to go down to answer the door. I went into a bedroom, it was lower down in the tower block than the flat I was in with the shamanic woman. I lay down on the bed and became aware of the presence of a huge horned man standing over me. He had two big horns on his head and was about seven or eight feet tall. He was hairy and beast like. I was exhilarated in his presence, and terrified. I was aware of an energy in my body in the dream (which has stayed with me since the dream). I knew he wanted to make love to me. I lay back and caressed myself, opening myself, inviting him. I said ‘come on then’. I had a real sense of defiance, that even though he was going to have sex with me anyway, I was going to make it my choice. He came towards me, and lowered himself down on me. I had a sense of his ancientness and darkness. As he started to make love to me… I was awoken from the dream by a child’s voice shouting ‘no’. There were no children in the dream, and no children in my house, so I am not sure where that voice came from. I was so angry, and tried to go back to sleep to enter the dream again (which didn’t happen!) I felt it was unfinished.

There is so much in this dream. There was a strong connection to… something. To myself, my sexuality, a deep connection to some kind of shamanic experience? I can’t put it into words right now. It feels somewhat unsatisfactory writing about it here.