Spider Medicine

I am currently losing a battle with a tiny spider who is insistent on weaving its web across my computer screen! And earlier I picked up a spider with my bare hands (not a massive one, but still a real feat for me). At East Down, I picked up another spider bare-handed to take it out of the group room and along with several other spider encounters (several on that weekend), I reflect on the message spider is sending me.

I spoke to Nick at the weekend about it, and he reminded me it’s about what it means to me. For me spiders symbolise fear, usually absolute phobic terror, that freezes me. There is a hierarchy of spider-terror for me, with tiny money spiders not worrying me, to the wolf spider being the absolute worst, heart-stopping, fear-inducing spider I could imagine (though I do live in the UK, so I imagine there are ones in other countries that are much worse!) Oddly, I am less fearful of spiders when they get to tarantula size.

Why on earth am I writing about spiders!? Spider has a message for me. That message, I believe, is about me facing my fears. Each time I have picked a spider up recently, I have felt brave, I have felt the stirrings of the warrior deep inside me (though I am a long way off picking up a wolf spider bare handed!!)

I found this website about spider medicine… So much of what it says is so incredibly apt for my life right now, particularly…

“Spider is strength and gentleness combined, they awaken creative sensibilities, they are the keepers of the primordial alphabet and can teach you how to write creatively.”

Wow! Strength and gentleness are the two words which resonate with me most at the moment. Strength (and ‘strong’) has become a mantra for me over the last few months. I say it to myself frequently. And gentle is something my tutor John called me many years ago, something which surprised me, but has stayed with me since. And something which has helped me through so many difficult, traumatic and abusive times throughout my life.

And the bit about writing creatively… I have been inspired by so much recently to write poetry. And yesterday someone sent me some poems that were so moving, so real, touched my heart so deeply. I feel an even deeper urge to write! And… well, I am here writing too!

The Place of New Beginnings

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East Down – The Place of New Beginnings

Well, its been 2 years since I came here (to this blog). Why did I leave? I am not really sure, what I do know is that I have missed it! I am still Paradoxical Girl, yet older, wiser, calmer and in a very very different place within myself after a deeply changing and profound experience I had recently. I may write about the actual experience here, I certainly know that I need (want) to come here to process what has happened, what has changed. I am the butterfly emerging. As I have walked this journey over the last few days, I have been in deep, deep body process. I am journeying into new (and yet old) ways of moving… walking, dancing, qigong.

After ‘The Experience’ as I will call it, I have a strong move towards meeting the warrior within me. I know this journey has just begun, that I will walk through dark forests, climb high mountains and dive into dark waters to fully become the warrior. But I do believe that I have met her already, and that she emerged this weekend. I am left with a deep connection with myself, with others, with the earth, with how I walk this path. So much is rushing through my mind, energy surging through my body. So much is changing within, I feel sick, I feel ecstatic, I feel a deep grief and loss, I feel happy and joyous, I feel an energy that I used to call anxiety, but now feels different, positive, makes me feel truly ALIVE! I can’t ever remember feeling like this before, I truly feel reborn.

I had a dream last night, that until I wrote it down I didn’t realise the significance of it…

I was on a train, alone but there were others on the train. I realised that someone had taken my phone, and some other device I had (something like a pager?). I was asking around on the train if anyone had seen my phone, when a group of younger people started laughing at me and taunting me. I knew they had my phone. They handed me something, telling me it was my phone, but I quickly realised that it was the detonator for a bomb, and that they were wearing explosive vests. I threw the device back at them and ran, jumping onto another train just as that one exploded. I felt shocked, scared. This next train was stationary, going nowhere. It was a goods train and full of cargo. I didn’t like it here, it was cold and dark. I felt I really needed to hide. I jumped onto another train, this time it felt much warmer and more welcoming. Everyone was friendly. I didn’t know where it was going but I didn’t care, it felt right…

I feel this dream was indicative of my experience recently. The trains signified different parts of the journey, and my fear-filled and brave leap to another path.

I am brave. I am warrior. I am me.